Wrote all these below yesterday. maybe i'm just too bored. 没事找事。but since i've told myself to put them on, i'll just put them on. maybe i'll just another time of impulse, but i have no intention to erase it. anyway it's just part of growth. haha, i hope the readers will not be scared.

Just listened to 933. 音乐日记。Quite touching, esp. the story is quite similar to mine. the girl at first rejected the guy because she had a boyfriend. then later when she was dumped by the boyfriend and wanted to start a relationship with the guy, the guy refused her. blah, blah, they like each other, for sure, but they kept rejecting each other. they're just too unsure about each other's feelings, and themselve's too... and the ended up... nothing.

it makes me recall SHE. i avoided any attemmpt to restart our relationship because i thought she had a boyfriend, and i didn't want her to be agonizing about how to talk to that guy. then, when i realised i still like her and told her, she rejected with the reason that she did not want to break up with her boyfriend...

the girl in the radio says she won't try to contact the guy anymore. time and again i've made such decisions, and i also told HER about my decision and she also agreed. but after all we still msg each other. each time i received her msg, her call, or saw her, my heart is bleeding, but yet i am that eager to meet HER, to talk to HER.

until from one day on, i was able to see her every day. not till then i realised that the HER only exists in my dreams, and the dreams broke up part by part, and so is my heart. she is so cool to me. may be i'm as equally cool as her. dunno.

我曾以为自己不会很快忘了她，忘去这段感情，后来却发现，伤痛比想象的容易忘记。
我曾以为一个人一生爱过一个人就足够了，后来才发现，天长地久只是小说家们的专利。

可是，我还是宁愿相信天长地久。我觉得这是人类内心深处最善良，最纯真的愿望。我不愿去放弃它，因为如果我放弃了，我也只是一个空有躯壳的人罢了。

可是，我希望我可以和别人不一样，到头来却是一次又一次让自己失望，让别人失望。

我问自己，如果她现在和我表白，说要和我在一起，我会怎样回答呢？

我会回答不，和音乐日记里的男生一样。我累了。

但她会伤心吗？会吧。有多伤心呢？我不知道。

我用什么理由去拒绝她呢？

我觉得自己真的很自恋，到这份上了，还在幻想她会回心转意。

只是，现在无论哪个女孩想我表白，我都会拒绝的，就算是我喜欢的人。

我怕我做不到，怕我做得不够，怕我会说说而已，怕我会没有行动，怕我会对越喜欢的人越冷淡，怕我会伤了她的心，怕她会伤了我的心，怕自己会伤了自己的心。

我怕我会对感情不认真。

SHE told me friedship outlast relationship, and she'd be proud if i can eventually be her life-long true friend.

i replied no. i said we'll never be that kind of true friends.我说我们太不同了。每次我向左走，她就向右走。如果两个人一直向同一个方向转，最后还会回到原点。但对于我和她来说，只会越走越远。

其实，我还有另一个理由，没有和她说。
人是有记忆的。发生过的事，就没法忘记。一切的一切，都没法忘记。我没有办法带着这段记忆去作她的真心朋友。也许时间会稀释往事，但却无法洗刷它们的痕迹。

我的心里有个结，这些只是结的一部分罢了。我真的希望有一天有人能解开这个结。

可前提是，那个人能让我说出心中所有的结吗？

我自己都不行。太乱了。

i'm supposed to put it on my blog. i dunno why i want to write all these and put them on. they r supposed to be my secret feelings. but somehow i want someone to see. man is such a ironic animal. i used to think i did't feel loneliless, coz from childhood i've got used to it. i don't have brothers or sisters. my grandparents live in other cities, far from wuxi. my parents are not wuxi locals. i cannot speak wuxi dialect. every time school was over i had to go home and do my homework, alone, coz my parents didn't come back till 5 plus, while my counterparts were either under the care of their grandparents, or playing with other kids. my whole primary school life was under the shadow of another boy who topped the class for the whole 6 years. the teachers did not like me, coz i seldomly talk, and seldomly 打小报告 to them about other people's misbehaviours. and i didn't like the teacher. i refused to run the election for the class committee. the situation in 大桥中学 was better. i didn't expect to be the teacher's pet, and i don't want to be, always. but just want to have a fair environment. and i somehow did it, made my way to singapore. but i was just equally untalkative. and i feel equally lonely, and i just thought loneliness is a fiend of mine. my best and worst friend so far.

and i'm living a strange life now. i'm constantly changing my mask. one in front of HER, one for my classmates. one for my hostelmates. one for my ex-classmates in china. and maybe one for myself? the only time i don't have to do make up is when i face my parents, though something, like those i've written above, cannot be shown to them coz i don't think it's the right time. but every year i spent too little time with them. too sad. if i spend more time with them, i'll take the time to tell them all about this, especially my mum. but i don't have time.

i think they know the 'thing' between HER and me. i've told them the scandals and showed them my ex-classmates' 'best wishes for ZX and ...' on their new year cards. and they should oso have learnt a bit through the 八卦 parents of some people here. i never consider myself a wuxinese, anyway. and i dunno where my root is. my parents, grandparents, great grandparents and their ancestors have travelled almost the whole china before my father and mother settled down in wuxi. and i'm in singapore now. i think it has something to do with genetics.

yarr, i think my parents know a bit about my 'emotional life'. but they kept quiet. i know it's because they trust me. they also know that they are too far away from me and 山高皇帝远 they cunt do anything if anything really happens. i don't want to abuse their trust. if i really think i cunt cope, i'll just tell them the whole thing.

and i have a feeling that they r going to talk to me on this when i go back this year. yarr, and i'll tell them if they want to know. they care for me.

i'm thinking of letting other people to know this blog, since i'm also reading the blogs of others. yucks, i should learn from iahk. i cunt just peep other's life in my dark, secret corner.

but i dunno if it is suitable to let them know such things. somehow i hope all who visit my blog are totally strangers to me.

today is teachers' day in china. happy teachers' day to all teachers who have taught me, and all others who had taught me in one way or another, though they are not called teachers.